In Between Belonging
by Errie Wyvern
Summary: Because when Inuyasha goes to see Kikyou, it isn’t out of love or hatred. It’s out of loneliness, and a sense of belonging.


  
  
The friendly chatter around the campfire unsettled Inuyasha. It was happy, it was human, and it was all human. Even Shippou partook in the human conversation. Even, or especially, Shippou belonged with the humans. Belonged with their conversation, their happiness, and their sense of belonging.  
  
From his perch in the tree, he could feel Kagome's eyes on him. He could feel her longing for him, for his happiness. But she couldn't understand his pain of not belonging. Inuyasha, neither human nor demon. And...Kikyou, neither woman nor cold blooded miko. Neither fitting in, having a home. Having a true sense of happiness.  
  
Inuyasha turned away from the stars and the campfire, settling in for another night of disturbing dreams and sad memories. Of the sting of Kikyou's betrayal, the love he saw in her eyes, and the final sense of belonging when he was to become human. He could have...love. And they would both fit in. They would both be happy. In his sleep, he entered a world were Onigumo died in his sleep, where he and Kikyou consummated their love and their children grew normally, having a normal life and a normal family and a normal sense of belonging. His bright golden eyes slipped over the view of his shoulder, seeing Kagome staring at the base of his tree with a sort of wounded, heartbroken look on her face.  
  
He was just about to call out to the schoolgirl when all of the sudden he smelled her. That loneliness, that soft, savory blend of herbs and that bitter scent of old, dried youkai blood. That blood he would've been able to track anywhere. That smell he would covet in his dreams, secretly hiding it away. Smelling a faint scent on his rosary, keeping it tucked close to his skin at night. He closed his eyes and fought back sudden tears. This loneliness, this feeling of helpless hatred...bitterness, and even understanding.  
  
Wordlessly, he sat up and flew towards her, ignoring Kagome's soft cry, and then her bitten-back sobs when she knew who he was going to. He didn't care right then, he wanted to belong, he wanted to take comfort, he wanted to be loved.  
  
He wanted everything to be like it was. He wanted to fall in love with Kikyou.  
  
The glow of her shinidamachuu filled a meadow, burning everything an unnatural bluish-white. He stepped down lightly, making a light rustling noise. He stared at her back, wondering still if this was the girl that he loved. The same lonely desperation filled him, and he found himself leaping towards her, sweeping her up in a tight hug. Her lily hands gripped his haori, before letting go and smoothing out the wrinkles she had made.  
  
"Does this still mean that much to you? This gift from your mother?" Her voice was the same low tone that he remembered.  
  
"Aa, it is. And I've forgiven you for the holes you've made in it." His voice was soft, all gruffness gone. It wasn't in his nature, but he couldn't bear to put in the same rude tones he'd spoken to her with when they first met. Her head lay heavy on his chest. He felt her sigh and her arms encircle his waist.  
  
"You're still in between human and demon. Yet...you don't feel as out of place as you did. You forget. You forget your loneliness, your lack of belonging with either world. It's that girl, the one that has my soul, that makes you forget such things." She moved slightly, making her body conform better with his. His hands in her hair tightened slightly, then he spoke.  
  
"Kikyou, you know that you..."  
  
"I am still between, although I can no longer be counted as a miko. My alliance with demons has broken that world. I stand on the line between life and death. I am dead, yet I still continue to exist, to walk and know. I am no longer human. I wish for the Shikon no Tama, I wish to possess it again, even though I know I would only taint it farther with my hatred." Her hands rubbed little circles on his back, and her head turned to the side, staring at the flowers that had opened to drink up the moonlight.  
  
He was silent, not knowing what she was going to say, or if it was just a simple goodbye. He laid his silver head against her black one, and closed his eyes in bliss, forcing his nose to remember her scent as it had been, and removing dead earth from the equation. Because when Inuyasha goes to see Kikyou, it isn't out of love or hatred. It's out of loneliness, and a sense of belonging.  
  
Her dark martyr eyes slid open once more, her hands gripping his haori, and not smoothing out the wrinkles. She spoke softer, with a hint of violent hatred in her voice. "She is in between too." Inuyasha started, jerking back and staring at her. "She is in between too, like us."  
  
His voice was gravelly, and hesitant, "I...I don't understand."  
  
"She's in between times, Inuyasha. She has a separate family, a separate life out of this time. Haven't you ever considered that she might just leave one day and never come back? She might decide that she's better of in her world, away from you and away from the constant threat of death." He pushed her away suddenly.  
  
"I know that. I think that she would be better off in her world, with Hobo and her family, her school and her tests." _[A/N: Okay, right here is where the computer picked up after it'd broken down before I could save. There was a whole nother fucking page it didn't even recover. It was a good page too, I'll try to do the best I can to rewrite it.]  
_  
She didn't come to him, like she would have done if she was alive. "But she stays, Inuyasha. She stays in that awkward in between for you. She stays to make you feel like you belong, when she is the one that doesn't. She stays simply for you, not the Shikon no Tama."  
  
He was poised to take flight, to run away from her truths.  
  
"My jealousy won't allow me to tell you, but my human side compels me to. You love her, you love her differently from the way that you loved me. The way you love her is languid, full of hope and belonging. It isn't like our love, forged of longing and desperation. You love her the way a man would have loved me."  
  
He stood rigid, fists clenched at his sides.  
  
"Do not forget where I stand, Inuyasha." He whirled around, and she exposed her shoulder and stabbed an arrow into it. Her face remained smooth, without any sort of indication of pain at all. He jerked forward only a tiny bit, his face alight with shock. When the arrow was removed, nothing poured out but clumps of dirt and sand, and a little bit of stagnate rotten air.  
  
A shinidamachuu came and casually dropped a soul into the wound, and Inuyasha watched it heal bitterly. So different...  
  
Her gaze narrowed and she was carried away into the night sky, just a blot of miko robes among the stars.  
  
Inuyasha was once again reminded of where he belonged.  
  
He stormed away into the night.

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_[AN: Alright, that wasn't NEARLY as good as my last ending, which pisses me off to no end. Rar I hate my computer. For people who don't know, 'Aa' is an affirmative sound, much more casual than 'hai'. The shinidamachuu are those weird snaky demons that Kikyou has with her all the time. This fanfiction was inspired by the double episode special of Inuyasha, episodes 147-148. Even if you're not that far into the series, I STRONGLY suggest torrenting those from anime-kraze.org. It defines the relationship between Inuyasha and Kikyou very well, and it tugs at your heart strings, no matter how much you hate Kikyou. It's a very well done special, and doesn't give away any spoilers save the first episode. It's really good for fanfiction writers, because it allows us to write Kikyou much better than before. It allows us to write Inuyasha better as well, because now we know more about what happened with his first love, an event that shapes people for the rest of their lives. This story is roughly three pages in length, and was typed up within one hour. Please forgive if it sucks. And I love this new QuickEdit thing. It makes me feel happy.]_


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